I read this article “Is being perfect ruining your life?” in CLEO magazine, (pp. 132, Malaysia edition, September, 2005) and it got me thinking. I’m not really like some perfectionist mentioned in the article. Like this woman who got furious with herself just because she misplaced her house keys. And when she went for counseling and the psychiatrist told her that mistakes are an inevitable and natural part of life she replied “No, there’s no need for them.” I am still a bit of a perfectionist in some part of my life.
Recently, I had to do a storyboard for one of my media subjects and it required me to draw the scenes. I tried to draw real looking people instead of stick figures like what most of my class did. And when I ran out of time and the only solution to get the job done is to just draw stick figures instead of real looking people, I was really reluctant and I hated myself for doing it. I wasn’t satisfied with my work.
It says in the article that the cause of being a perfectionist might be because of our parents. I always wanted to do the right thing when I’m doing my work. I didn’t want to do mistakes and afraid to take risk in case I got it wrong.
I guess this is because of my dad. I desperately wanted to impress my dad for as long as I can remember. At one point of my life (SPM year), I craved for the word “I’m proud of you” from my dad. He always belittle me and make fun of me. He thinks that I’ll never achieve anything that I’m doing. He doubts I’ll succeed.
There was one time in Form 1, I told him (we were having dinner at Bukit Permata/Taman Kereta/Topspot) that our class is going to sell stuff for this special day I forgot what it’s called. He told me then that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to sell anything. That it’s useless. I felt down. I still feel down whenever I thought about it. And I remembered we had a German guest, a friend of Daddy’s, and he told my dad “Don’t say that. You should encourage her.”
Sometimes I think that I’ll never be good enough for him. Whatever I do is wrong or not up to his high standards.
In my SPM year, I was really depressed. I was miserable and suicidal. I often thought of ending it all. I was terrified that I could not achieve what everyone is expecting out of me. I was frightened that I could not satisfy them, especially my dad. I really wanted him to be proud of me. So, so desperately.
Then, I thought why should I seek his approval? He thinks that I’ll never be good enough. I should just think of satisfying myself.
But until now, I couldn’t help but feel the need to impress him. So badly. That I need to prove myself. I can do it. I can. But he never bats an eyelash. I was disappointed again and again. And again and again.
Will I ever be good enough for you, Daddy? Are you proud of me now? I tried so hard, Daddy, to be perfect for you. But you don’t seem to be satisfied. You don’t seem to care. I’m not perfect, Daddy. And I don’t think I’ll ever be in your eyes…
13 September 2005
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10 comments:
that's one of the many reasons why i hate my dad so much even tho deep down inside i know i still love him (as much as i hate him).
many parents are just typical i guess.
one of my fav post by u =)
Nobody is perfect. Don't try too hard to be one. You might think he doesn't care.but he does. Maybe it's his way of showing how he cares. Some people are like that. If these 'typical parents' do not care about their children, they would have ignored them.. no pocketmoney etc.Itu penting. :P
My mum sometimes looks down on me too. It hurts. oh well.
*hantok palak kat dinding* :p
i know they care. i know he cares. but they way he does, it hurts me so much.
i still love him. he's my dad. i cant do anything abt that fact. but that doesnt mean i cant hate him as well.
maybe one day i'll get over it n be good to him again. it will happen someday. time will tell.
Am still waiting for that "I'm proud of you" sentence. Cried every time I hear fathers say that to their children on TV.
Darn. O well. Like Pul said "You never learn..." Haha. Inside joke. =P
Thanks Stef. Nvr knew u even have a fav post by me. Heh.
I know he cares. I just want him to just show me once that he does. I want him to say it. Just once. So that I can remember till the day that I die that he does care. And he is proud of me. As a child, I need to know that. I don't know why. Bah humbag.
klak kamek jadi bapak angkat kitak.... mok?
nisa,you know what? being in that position does not mean ur behind or not being loved by ur dad. My siblings all good in their studies except me. what do you expect? How much he spend on you for curtin, ur air tickets, ur studies, ur laptop...be grateful my friend..my dad acts the same way as ur dad..and u know what, that makes u a stronger person..k lah..u were standing in front of me heheh.chow babe
at least you're not a failure. it's just that you think you couldn't satisfy him.... or maybe u haven't achieved something that he wanted you to be.
me? you're looking at an example of a failure here. I was being a pride of my parents when i was little. dari sekolah rendah, sampe sekolah menengah, i had made my parents quite proud with all my results and my achievements. tapi lepas ya? mula dari kmk matrik, dah mula nunjok tanda-tanda seorang yg gagal. i've got a so-so result. then i got into my very first year in uni... baruk sigek sem dah gagal. my dad had decided to send me to curtin instead supaya sik nampak obvious gilak, yet i've wasted thousands of $$ for being a failure for another ONE YEAR AND A HALF in curtin... kira jak berapa byk dah duit terbuang camya jak.
but i'm glad that my dad is still willing to support my studies kat Curtin nok super expensive tok.
bapak ktk sik pernah madah nya bangga dgn ktk, tapi nya sik pernah juak madah yg nya malu ada anak mcm ktk kan? well.... my mom did. sampe kinek tok tiap kali nya ngerepak, mesti nya ungkit-ungkit dan sebut macam-macam benda nok polah kmk kedirik sakit hati, sampe kmk nok ngamok balit. pendek kata nang kira derhaka juak la kmk tok. tulah nang byk kali la, neraka jak belom nunggah. tapi dalam ketulahan ya, kmk tauk sikda la sidak bencik kmk. mun daknya bencik, lamak dah kenak halau dari rumah kali.
selagik parents kita sik bencik kita...there's nothing to worry about. eventhough if at a certain point bila daknya marah kita daknya sampe nyebut bencik, that doesn't mean that they hate us. it's just an emotional reaction. mun daknya benar-benar bencik kita.... nang dibiar daknya kita tok hidup sik terurus, kebuluran, even mati pun sidak sik kisah kali.
syukur la kita sik senasib kedak sesetengah orang ya... dahla cacat, kenak tinggal mak bapak gik. at least there are still times that they care for us, eventhough they're not showing it directly.
idup tok nang sk senang... mek suma mesti tabahkan ati... just live with it... we'll all survive =)
oh steffeni... my sot sot girl
oh fakhrain... my sot sot boy
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