Moving on... And away I go~!

Well, it's exactly been a month after the break up. I've been keeping myself busy the whole time.

I became more social. Clubbing more. Piak more. Hehe. Went out more. Road trip la. Sleep overs la. Macam-macam lah. Thanks to Jasmine, Teem, Ryn and Dayang. Always making me go out and made me forget. Hey, that trip to Lambir and Bintulu sure was fun. =) Anywhere with you guys memang confirm best. Hugs.

Thanks to my housemates. They were so concerned. Dy, giving your shoulder to cry on was priceless. Thank you. I know Felix actually cared too. Hee. Also Wani and Farisan for forcing me to eat. Hehe.

Ing Hui and Renee... Drinking at 5 PM. Haha. Enough said. I told you I don't show my problems. But I do have them. And this blog is the place I let it all out. My magic beans! Hugs.

Syafiq, I know we're not that close anymore. But hearing that you were concerned after all that's been going on between us, I was touched.

Azee, I know you cared. If you don't, I just pretend you do lah k. Hehe. Love you, sis.

Everyone else, I can't be bothered to list down everybody ok. But thank you for whatever it was that you guys have done to comfort me.

So, I'm moving on.

He is a thing of the past. I wouldn't forget him. He was my first of so many things. And like they said, you would never forget your fist love. But like so many firsts, they come and they go. First love, first kiss, first sex, first child... And then you have to make more. Hehe.

The break up was actually freeing. Of course I was sad. Of course I was upset. But I'm an optimist. One door closed, I can see so many others opening.

Now I can flirt guiltlessly. I can get close to my guy buddies without fearing anyone being unreasonably jealous about it. I can oogle at guys. Farah and Angie would know what I'm talking about. ;P

Opportunities are everywhere when you are actually looking. I never was interested in anyone back in high school. I put my studies as first priority. When I got out of high school, I fell in love with him. That much is history. There was no one else but him. But now... after him, I've become more open to others.

He once said "I'll show you the stars, remember". He never did. And he never will. He made me really happy. Let me just keep those good memories with me. There'll never be another time though. Those 2 years I've kept my feelings for him a secret because I know a lot of people are not that enthusiastic about it. They had their reasons. So now I'm going to listen to them. But he did show me so many other things. And I thank him for that.

He'll always be my baby.

Haha. Can't resist to put any Mariah lyrics in this. Hee. One thing that'll never change. My love for Mariah Carey. Chewah. Haha.

So from now on, hopefully this blog wouldn't have any sadness caused by the break up. Enough is enough.

All this time we've been together
Everyday a new adventure
Time's enough to last forever and a day
Our love was sometimes all we had
Through good times and through bad
I loved you all the way

All our days weren't bright and sunny
There were times we had no money
You could always find some funny things to say
I'm looking back on where we've been
I'd do it all again
I loved you all the way

I loved you all the way
Every mile, every night, every day

Times I thought I couldn't take it
Wondring if we'd ever make it
You could hold me close and make it go away
And though I've said it all before
I never meant it more
I love you all the way

I loved you all the way

Good bye, Rasyiq. I'll always care for you. I know you'll find someone new in no time. That's a fact. Haha.

The first and the last time, the little owl signing off.

Silliness

Please don't fight. Please. I don't like it.

You know who you are.

The Accident

I miss my family. I miss home.

My mum’s younger sister came by the other night for a surprise visit. After she called asking my house number, I dashed and knocked at Dian’s door. I was panicking. I told her that my aunt is coming to visit so we yelled at Farisan to clear away any indication that two guys are living in the house. I cleaned my room, sprayed perfumes (darn it smelt like smoke) and hid my cigarette boxes. Farisan had a ‘collection’ of empty cigarette boxes in the display cupboard (don’t ask why), so we put them inside a plastic bag. We also hid all the ashtrays. It was half an hour after my aunt called when she finally arrived at the house.

I asked her about my sister, Nana. (It was her birthday on the 3rd of May. She’s 18! Legal age. Whahahaha~!!) Finally someone who can demonstrate to me what’s actually happening and what kind of surgery she had. All I got from my mum was “Oh it’s too hard to explain. Wait till you’re back.” Blah blah blah. Kinda annoyed when she said that hundreds of times.

Even though I keep hearing “Oh everything’s fine! Don’t worry!” I don’t think it’s fine at all. Nana is traumatised. Now she always sits at the back instead of the front seat. But at least she’s going to take her driving license next year with Azee. At least she’s willing to try again. I just cry at the thought of how I had taught her to manoeuvre the car. How she was so happy when I let her drive. Even if it was only in front of the stadium. How she studied the laws and crap for the exam so studiously as if she’s taking an important school exam. I clearly remember her squealing and her state of panicking when she saw another car heading towards us (the car was far away and we were at a huge car park…). How can I not be sad when I heard about the accident?

My dear sister, the only person in the family that I didn’t hug when I went back to Miri. Of course I was scared shitless when I heard about what happened. I was still teary eyed when my aunt retold the story. The difficulties that my sister is having with lack of her right eyelid, how she had to go through two surgeries to get her right eye fix etc. I wouldn’t be comforted till I see my sister myself.

I also learned what happened to the family on the day of the accident. I learnt how my dad went through it. He was devastated. It was a very different reaction from the time when my dad was beside my late grandpa at his last moments. He was quite controlled. But this reaction towards Nana’s accident… It’s something I’m so unfamiliar with. It was actually my dad who asked everyone not to tell me. Kinda annoyed at that but then again, even though I was just told two days after the accident, I couldn’t pay attention to whatever my lecturer was saying. I was a wreck that day. So I guess my dad did the right thing.

Mr & Miss Curtin

Okaaayy.. I've been tricked by Renee!! She said she's joining!! Why me?!

Why am I so easily influenced? I can't say No to people. Gah.

Renee filled up the form for me and I stupidly guide her on what to say on the form. The last question, it asked you to describe yourself in 25 words. I wrote "I'm nice. Too nice to say No to Renee and Jasmair".

Yep.

I'm going to hide tonight so no one can find me.

I don't care if the prize is RM500 and a bottle of JD.

Explaination

Ok so how and when did it happened?

I was out with Teem, Ryn, Angie, Dayang and Fish on the 21st April. We went to CB. At midnight, I text Rasyiq wishing him happy fourth anniversary. Everything was quite normal. He apologised that he couldn't come down.

Then it all started to become more serious.

I asked him is he serious? Breaking it off now? On our anniversary? He was determined. I told him I don't want to lose him. I mean after all those years and I finally have him, I wouldn't just give up and say Ok, let's break up! But well, broke up we did.

I wished he didn't do it when I was out. I managed not to cry during the whole outing. But when I got to my bedroom door, I just broke down in front of it. It was pathetic. I wished he didn't break it off on our anniversary. But what could I do?

I cried day and night for two days. At at some point I was in denial. It took some will power not to message pathetic stuff to him. It hurts so bad. I was in such a mess. My mum was recently very sick. And my sister was in Timberland that Saturday to get her eyes fix. I was missing my family so bad. I even thought of buying ticket to go back home this Friday and come back home on Tuesday. I wanted to go back home to my main source of comfort. My permanent one. My family. But I changed my mind.

I'm thinking of saving my money for the trip to KL instead. Heh heh.

Please don't go and say "Oh he's not worth your tears!", "He's a jerk!" or "I'll personally go to Kuching and punch his face!" because that's what I've been hearing. It hurts to hear all that. I need to cry, for one thing. And it wasn't really comforting because I still very much love him. He has his reasons and I respect them. I understood them and I'm not angry at him.

I don't really have time to tell the reasons so that'll be in Explaination Part II. Heh.

The End

Well, it's over. On 22nd April. Exactly on our 4th month anniversary.

"When I think of our untimely end and everything we could have been, I cry. Baby, I cry...
Ok, so it's 5 AM and I still can't sleep/ Took some medicine/ But it's not working/ Someone's clinging to me/ And it's bittersweet / Cause he's head over heels/ BUT IT AIN'T THAT DEEP.."

Frustrations

I'm at Jasmine's house right now. Slept over last night. I was supposed to help her do her research. But we got back late. Both were so tired and sleepy. It rained heavily last night. When we got to her front door, we found out that it was locked... We were locked outside. At 1 AM. When it's raining hard. Plus, we both need to pee...

Since we couldn't get the maid to wake up, we drove out again. To some random hotel nearby (Marriot). We need to go to the toilet! But then the maid called. Sigh. Finally.

We didn't do our research.

So anyways, I haven't been updating regularly. I miss blogging..

But I have assignments due every bloody week. And it's so tiring and depressing. Not only that, if I don't have a presentation that week, I have shooting or editing to do! Next week, I have one 1500 words paper due, a presentation on Monday, a shooting on Tuesday. I don't mind being busy. But I hate being TOO busy. It makes you too tired to do anything else. You have class the whole day. And at night, you want to do your assignments but you're too tired! Gah.

And I miss Rasyiq so much. There's a chance that I'm not going to see him till the end of the year. I don't think he's coming next week. Or ever. He's busy too. Working.

Depressing, depressing, depressing...