One day, years ago, I found my dad’s notebook back when he was studying in Perth. I found it interesting because they are some doodles there that have nothing to do with the subject he is taking at all. And then one sentence caught my eyes.
“Nur Aina. The apple of my eyes.”
I remembered I felt jealous. My mind was then bombarded with questions. Why her? Why not me or my other siblings? What did she do to catch my dad’s attention? She must be only 8 years old when he wrote that. I then began to search furiously for any other sentences that might say something similar about me or my other siblings. Alas, I found none.
I know she is very clever, getting straight A’s and all that. And I know that my dad IS proud of her. I know because he told everyone about her.
A few years later, someone told me that I’m the apple of his eyes. I was so touched that I cried. I actually really wanted to hear those words from my dad. But here is someone who thinks I’m good enough to be the apple of his eyes.
I hope that even if you don’t write my name, you think I’m the apple of your eyes too, Daddy...
15 September 2005
My Elysium
Wrote this last month. Boredom = write useless stuff.
I am enjoying these little sensations
As I lie on this field of green grass
The warmth of the sun against my skin
The soft wind blowing gently by
The sounds of birds calling out
I looked up in wonderment at
The great blue, blue sky above me
Making me feel tiny but happy
Because for this little while in time
Seems like nothing would go wrong
My big problems and little worries
Seems so far away in another land
Only enjoyment and happiness
Engulfing me with their tight embrace
Reluctant of letting go and vanish
At this instant I am at peace
With myself and the world around me
Smiling blissfully as I gaze at the view
Of the green hills and the vast blue sea
Content with where I am
I wish I could stay here longer
But alas, into reality I am woken.
I am enjoying these little sensations
As I lie on this field of green grass
The warmth of the sun against my skin
The soft wind blowing gently by
The sounds of birds calling out
I looked up in wonderment at
The great blue, blue sky above me
Making me feel tiny but happy
Because for this little while in time
Seems like nothing would go wrong
My big problems and little worries
Seems so far away in another land
Only enjoyment and happiness
Engulfing me with their tight embrace
Reluctant of letting go and vanish
At this instant I am at peace
With myself and the world around me
Smiling blissfully as I gaze at the view
Of the green hills and the vast blue sea
Content with where I am
I wish I could stay here longer
But alas, into reality I am woken.
13 September 2005
Curtin Carnival 2005
I should write happy normal stuff.
So Curtin had a Carnival last Sunday. Managed to sell all my tickets (with Dian's help of course).
Arrived at nearly 10. Nezz picked me up. Despite of being late and all (they have a performance at 10) , he still drives slowly.
They sang Pretty Woman as an opening act or whatever it is. And then some dances. Blah blah. I'm in no mood in describing what the hell happened. Go to Yasmin's blog for pictures of the Carnival.
I just want to bash a certain someone who sang Only One, The Reason and Mungkin Nanti. While he was singing Mungkin Nanti, I noticed one dude sleeping at the back. That's how much he sucks. He lulls (sp?) people to sleep.
However his performance was far from boring. Dian, Yasmin, Steffi and I were having too much fun laughing at him. Why does he torture himself so? Why does he torture other people too? I don't get morons.
There were a lot of food at the Carnival. We were spoilt for choice. Too bad there were so many pest bothering us, thrusting half-empty boxes in our face, expecting us to donate. Then, they tried to give offers like "If you donate, got free watch/bracelet/bookmarks etc..." We want food, damnit. Not bookmarks!
At around 3 p.m., everyone's starting to clean up already. I got free food from Curtin Football Club (CFC). They gave me 3 boxes of full of chapati! Still have some in the fridge. Getting tired of it. Well, at least I have my ciggies!
Got back around 4. Fcking tired. But Nezz came to get his camera back and I ended up going to the football field with him because he was being pitiful. "Oh... I'll just go alone then... All alone..." -Akon, Mr Lonely can be heard at the background- What a drama queen.
So Curtin had a Carnival last Sunday. Managed to sell all my tickets (with Dian's help of course).
Arrived at nearly 10. Nezz picked me up. Despite of being late and all (they have a performance at 10) , he still drives slowly.
They sang Pretty Woman as an opening act or whatever it is. And then some dances. Blah blah. I'm in no mood in describing what the hell happened. Go to Yasmin's blog for pictures of the Carnival.
I just want to bash a certain someone who sang Only One, The Reason and Mungkin Nanti. While he was singing Mungkin Nanti, I noticed one dude sleeping at the back. That's how much he sucks. He lulls (sp?) people to sleep.
However his performance was far from boring. Dian, Yasmin, Steffi and I were having too much fun laughing at him. Why does he torture himself so? Why does he torture other people too? I don't get morons.
There were a lot of food at the Carnival. We were spoilt for choice. Too bad there were so many pest bothering us, thrusting half-empty boxes in our face, expecting us to donate. Then, they tried to give offers like "If you donate, got free watch/bracelet/bookmarks etc..." We want food, damnit. Not bookmarks!
At around 3 p.m., everyone's starting to clean up already. I got free food from Curtin Football Club (CFC). They gave me 3 boxes of full of chapati! Still have some in the fridge. Getting tired of it. Well, at least I have my ciggies!
Got back around 4. Fcking tired. But Nezz came to get his camera back and I ended up going to the football field with him because he was being pitiful. "Oh... I'll just go alone then... All alone..." -Akon, Mr Lonely can be heard at the background- What a drama queen.
One of my most personal post
I read this article “Is being perfect ruining your life?” in CLEO magazine, (pp. 132, Malaysia edition, September, 2005) and it got me thinking. I’m not really like some perfectionist mentioned in the article. Like this woman who got furious with herself just because she misplaced her house keys. And when she went for counseling and the psychiatrist told her that mistakes are an inevitable and natural part of life she replied “No, there’s no need for them.” I am still a bit of a perfectionist in some part of my life.
Recently, I had to do a storyboard for one of my media subjects and it required me to draw the scenes. I tried to draw real looking people instead of stick figures like what most of my class did. And when I ran out of time and the only solution to get the job done is to just draw stick figures instead of real looking people, I was really reluctant and I hated myself for doing it. I wasn’t satisfied with my work.
It says in the article that the cause of being a perfectionist might be because of our parents. I always wanted to do the right thing when I’m doing my work. I didn’t want to do mistakes and afraid to take risk in case I got it wrong.
I guess this is because of my dad. I desperately wanted to impress my dad for as long as I can remember. At one point of my life (SPM year), I craved for the word “I’m proud of you” from my dad. He always belittle me and make fun of me. He thinks that I’ll never achieve anything that I’m doing. He doubts I’ll succeed.
There was one time in Form 1, I told him (we were having dinner at Bukit Permata/Taman Kereta/Topspot) that our class is going to sell stuff for this special day I forgot what it’s called. He told me then that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to sell anything. That it’s useless. I felt down. I still feel down whenever I thought about it. And I remembered we had a German guest, a friend of Daddy’s, and he told my dad “Don’t say that. You should encourage her.”
Sometimes I think that I’ll never be good enough for him. Whatever I do is wrong or not up to his high standards.
In my SPM year, I was really depressed. I was miserable and suicidal. I often thought of ending it all. I was terrified that I could not achieve what everyone is expecting out of me. I was frightened that I could not satisfy them, especially my dad. I really wanted him to be proud of me. So, so desperately.
Then, I thought why should I seek his approval? He thinks that I’ll never be good enough. I should just think of satisfying myself.
But until now, I couldn’t help but feel the need to impress him. So badly. That I need to prove myself. I can do it. I can. But he never bats an eyelash. I was disappointed again and again. And again and again.
Will I ever be good enough for you, Daddy? Are you proud of me now? I tried so hard, Daddy, to be perfect for you. But you don’t seem to be satisfied. You don’t seem to care. I’m not perfect, Daddy. And I don’t think I’ll ever be in your eyes…
Recently, I had to do a storyboard for one of my media subjects and it required me to draw the scenes. I tried to draw real looking people instead of stick figures like what most of my class did. And when I ran out of time and the only solution to get the job done is to just draw stick figures instead of real looking people, I was really reluctant and I hated myself for doing it. I wasn’t satisfied with my work.
It says in the article that the cause of being a perfectionist might be because of our parents. I always wanted to do the right thing when I’m doing my work. I didn’t want to do mistakes and afraid to take risk in case I got it wrong.
I guess this is because of my dad. I desperately wanted to impress my dad for as long as I can remember. At one point of my life (SPM year), I craved for the word “I’m proud of you” from my dad. He always belittle me and make fun of me. He thinks that I’ll never achieve anything that I’m doing. He doubts I’ll succeed.
There was one time in Form 1, I told him (we were having dinner at Bukit Permata/Taman Kereta/Topspot) that our class is going to sell stuff for this special day I forgot what it’s called. He told me then that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to sell anything. That it’s useless. I felt down. I still feel down whenever I thought about it. And I remembered we had a German guest, a friend of Daddy’s, and he told my dad “Don’t say that. You should encourage her.”
Sometimes I think that I’ll never be good enough for him. Whatever I do is wrong or not up to his high standards.
In my SPM year, I was really depressed. I was miserable and suicidal. I often thought of ending it all. I was terrified that I could not achieve what everyone is expecting out of me. I was frightened that I could not satisfy them, especially my dad. I really wanted him to be proud of me. So, so desperately.
Then, I thought why should I seek his approval? He thinks that I’ll never be good enough. I should just think of satisfying myself.
But until now, I couldn’t help but feel the need to impress him. So badly. That I need to prove myself. I can do it. I can. But he never bats an eyelash. I was disappointed again and again. And again and again.
Will I ever be good enough for you, Daddy? Are you proud of me now? I tried so hard, Daddy, to be perfect for you. But you don’t seem to be satisfied. You don’t seem to care. I’m not perfect, Daddy. And I don’t think I’ll ever be in your eyes…
Quotes from a certain lecturer...
These are ‘notes’ that I made in Marketing Communication 211. My grammar has definitely improved ever since. I thought of sharing it with the world. This is what I have learnt from the lecturer, Mr Cali*, as in lucu (funny).
*name has been changed due to the risk of getting caught. =P
- Make sure your eyes open big, big, big and BIG!
- I tell you hoh-nestly, you go Australia and your eyes open very big.
Now I know that my eyes are big not because of genetic but because I’ve been to Australia...
-Whys is this always happens?
Notice how all the words end with an ‘s’.
-At the end of the day, basically… the second level basically… Basically this is the beginning… Basically your hierarchy… basically who is our consumer… Basically… (in nearly every sentence basically).
It’s very important to use the bold words above, basically.
-Do you know how to speeeelll?
Cali taught us how to spell that day. It was touching.
- Be hoh-nest kay. Are you agree?
- I not make a joke. I no kidding for that.
-Are you believe that?
-They make you a suspense.
-And then you can be focus.
-Use you imajinasen.
-Don’t think this is always work.
-What’s going on there, we oso dono.
-He’s good in give a talk.
-Unless you hope to make a money.
-It’s fail. Why its fail? Just one mistake is that you are fail.
-It’s not must promotion on television.
His grammar just takes my breath away. Literally. I was laughing. My spelling and grammar check when crazy with all the above sentences.
Mr. Cali: “I have a dream.” Just 3 words. Very powerful. 3 words.
Student: Uh… it’s 4 words lah.
Mr. Cali: Oh. 4 words. “I have a dream”.
Great. Not only his grammar is astounding, he can count too.
Mr. Cali: You walk walk walk you see Sunway. Walk again you see Nottingham. Walk again you see Taylor. Walk again see Sunway again.
Student: Sunway [a] university meh?
Mr. Cali: I dono. I oso confuse.
We paid eight thousand plus for this? Where in the world does my university find morons like him to teach us anyway?
“…but that boring them to death” Cali, 2005.
Well Mr. Cali, you’re boring me to death… z… z… z…
Just one of my happy post. Haven't updated for so long. You guys probably don't go here anymore...
*name has been changed due to the risk of getting caught. =P
- Make sure your eyes open big, big, big and BIG!
- I tell you hoh-nestly, you go Australia and your eyes open very big.
Now I know that my eyes are big not because of genetic but because I’ve been to Australia...
-Whys is this always happens?
Notice how all the words end with an ‘s’.
-At the end of the day, basically… the second level basically… Basically this is the beginning… Basically your hierarchy… basically who is our consumer… Basically… (in nearly every sentence basically).
It’s very important to use the bold words above, basically.
-Do you know how to speeeelll?
Cali taught us how to spell that day. It was touching.
- Be hoh-nest kay. Are you agree?
- I not make a joke. I no kidding for that.
-Are you believe that?
-They make you a suspense.
-And then you can be focus.
-Use you imajinasen.
-Don’t think this is always work.
-What’s going on there, we oso dono.
-He’s good in give a talk.
-Unless you hope to make a money.
-It’s fail. Why its fail? Just one mistake is that you are fail.
-It’s not must promotion on television.
His grammar just takes my breath away. Literally. I was laughing. My spelling and grammar check when crazy with all the above sentences.
Mr. Cali: “I have a dream.” Just 3 words. Very powerful. 3 words.
Student: Uh… it’s 4 words lah.
Mr. Cali: Oh. 4 words. “I have a dream”.
Great. Not only his grammar is astounding, he can count too.
Mr. Cali: You walk walk walk you see Sunway. Walk again you see Nottingham. Walk again you see Taylor. Walk again see Sunway again.
Student: Sunway [a] university meh?
Mr. Cali: I dono. I oso confuse.
We paid eight thousand plus for this? Where in the world does my university find morons like him to teach us anyway?
“…but that boring them to death” Cali, 2005.
Well Mr. Cali, you’re boring me to death… z… z… z…
Just one of my happy post. Haven't updated for so long. You guys probably don't go here anymore...
16 August 2005
Problems again
I know I haven't updated in a very long while. These last few weeks are so hectic. Since I have an organiser, I am depressed every time I open it up. I get so edgy and nervous, wondering if I ever get an assignment done on time. I've been nagging Saiful and I keep arguing with him. Sorry Pul...
Oh bloody hell. Something came up. My FTV 111 presentation's tomorrow and I can't access my slides. And my notes are lost somewhere. Argghhh... Why is this always happening to me. Did someone cursed me or something? Hish.
I'll update some other time.
Oh bloody hell. Something came up. My FTV 111 presentation's tomorrow and I can't access my slides. And my notes are lost somewhere. Argghhh... Why is this always happening to me. Did someone cursed me or something? Hish.
I'll update some other time.
05 August 2005
Condolence to Aunty Gertie and family
I woke up at around 5 a.m. today. I suddenly remembered my conversation with Mum and Amalina.
Uncle Arip (Dato' Haji Mohamad Arip bin Mahmud) was really ill and his life was depending on a machine. He was at Singapore. I was stunned to hear it. I quickly tried to contact Ama. After an hour an a half I got through to her. She pleaded if I can come visit. Even for just one day. She needs me.
My mum called me up at 6.30 a.m. to break the news to me. Uncle Arip passed away around 5 a.m. today.
Innalillahi wa inna ilailhi rojiun.
Now I know the reason why I cried.
I packed and asked Nezz to send me to the airport straight away. I managed to get the 11.30 a.m. flight.
At 2.30 p.m. I saw Amalina, my dearest, longest best friend after half a year and hugged her and held her dearly. Her dad and her had a colourful history.
I... this is still so hard for me. I hope Aunty Gertie and her family finds comfort.
I will always remember Allahyarham and his generosity. He's always been nice and kind to me. Always has a smile when he sees me. He was borned in 1957. He died when he was only 48. The same age as my dad.
Al-Fatihah.
Uncle Arip (Dato' Haji Mohamad Arip bin Mahmud) was really ill and his life was depending on a machine. He was at Singapore. I was stunned to hear it. I quickly tried to contact Ama. After an hour an a half I got through to her. She pleaded if I can come visit. Even for just one day. She needs me.
My mum called me up at 6.30 a.m. to break the news to me. Uncle Arip passed away around 5 a.m. today.
Innalillahi wa inna ilailhi rojiun.
Now I know the reason why I cried.
I packed and asked Nezz to send me to the airport straight away. I managed to get the 11.30 a.m. flight.
At 2.30 p.m. I saw Amalina, my dearest, longest best friend after half a year and hugged her and held her dearly. Her dad and her had a colourful history.
I... this is still so hard for me. I hope Aunty Gertie and her family finds comfort.
I will always remember Allahyarham and his generosity. He's always been nice and kind to me. Always has a smile when he sees me. He was borned in 1957. He died when he was only 48. The same age as my dad.
Al-Fatihah.
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